Rachel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
theresnodoor) wrote2011-01-29 12:36 pm
theresnodoor) wrote2011-01-29 12:36 pm
OOM
She's settling into a new routine.
There are no more days spent morphing throughout. She'll fly with Tobias for an entire afternoon, when the thermals are best, but Rachel has taken her mornings back. Gymnastics is hers, running is hers. Something she can do with her own body that burns her energy, quiets the feelings of restlessness.
And doesn't tempt her to keep at it for more than two hours.
But Tobias is there, always. Sometimes he'll go down to the garage with her and watch her practice. Sometimes he'll soar above her while she runs. He hunts alone - works better that way - and she'll venture into the bar at those times, say hello, people-watch. But never for long. She comes back to the room and he to the balcony and the door is open between them, always.
Rachel hasn't asked for him to come down to the bar again. He did it for her but didn't enjoy it much, she can tell. And maybe that was another cruel thing for her to do, ask a question when she knew he wouldn't refuse. So they watch television or she brings books upstairs. Little things, human things. Things they can do together in the bodies they are most comfortable, most at home in.
They've talked, some. Rachel is reluctant to ask, fearing the answers, and Tobias is reluctant to tell- for whatever reason. His reluctance is part of her fear. But she knows their friends are alive. She knows Cassie and Marco have their dream jobs, knows Ax has obtained the highest of honors from his people. She knows Jake is alive.
But Tobias really doesn't like to talk about Jake. And that's one reluctance Rachel understands perfectly well. She doesn't push.
He's alive. That's enough.
There is another thing Tobias doesn't like to talk about, more than their friends, more than Jake.
Himself.
And that scares her, too.
Today, in the early evening after the sun has gone down and the light outside is useless for anything but the owls and cats, they're inside with the television on. Some movie neither has ever heard of, which had started out as some sort of business, entrepreneur story, but has moments of family in it.
Rachel, slouched on the couch with her feet up on the coffee table, frowns as the teenage boy hugs his mother and remembers a conversation from Tobias' only visit to the bar.
There are no more days spent morphing throughout. She'll fly with Tobias for an entire afternoon, when the thermals are best, but Rachel has taken her mornings back. Gymnastics is hers, running is hers. Something she can do with her own body that burns her energy, quiets the feelings of restlessness.
And doesn't tempt her to keep at it for more than two hours.
But Tobias is there, always. Sometimes he'll go down to the garage with her and watch her practice. Sometimes he'll soar above her while she runs. He hunts alone - works better that way - and she'll venture into the bar at those times, say hello, people-watch. But never for long. She comes back to the room and he to the balcony and the door is open between them, always.
Rachel hasn't asked for him to come down to the bar again. He did it for her but didn't enjoy it much, she can tell. And maybe that was another cruel thing for her to do, ask a question when she knew he wouldn't refuse. So they watch television or she brings books upstairs. Little things, human things. Things they can do together in the bodies they are most comfortable, most at home in.
They've talked, some. Rachel is reluctant to ask, fearing the answers, and Tobias is reluctant to tell- for whatever reason. His reluctance is part of her fear. But she knows their friends are alive. She knows Cassie and Marco have their dream jobs, knows Ax has obtained the highest of honors from his people. She knows Jake is alive.
But Tobias really doesn't like to talk about Jake. And that's one reluctance Rachel understands perfectly well. She doesn't push.
He's alive. That's enough.
There is another thing Tobias doesn't like to talk about, more than their friends, more than Jake.
Himself.
And that scares her, too.
Today, in the early evening after the sun has gone down and the light outside is useless for anything but the owls and cats, they're inside with the television on. Some movie neither has ever heard of, which had started out as some sort of business, entrepreneur story, but has moments of family in it.
Rachel, slouched on the couch with her feet up on the coffee table, frowns as the teenage boy hugs his mother and remembers a conversation from Tobias' only visit to the bar.
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He's paying as much attention to Rachel as he is to the screen, so when she frowns he cocks his head curiously. Wasn't this a happy scene?
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But there's a thought in her head now. One Tobias probably won't like. One that won't leave until she gets an answer to it.
"...how's your mom?" she asks, very quiet. Knowing he'll hear her.
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She's hit a nerve.
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She thought she might.
Rachel seems to melt, slouching further into the couch, eyes firmly fixed on the screen but no longer seeing. She already knows the answers to all her questions on this subject.
She shouldn't ask.
It won't help.
"Tobias?"
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<Yes?>
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He heard her.
The idea that a red-tailed hawk sitting not six inches from her didn't hear her is ridiculous. Insulting.
Ignoring the point.
Rachel says nothing.
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<It's not important>
Except that it is. And he knows it.
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"That's not what you said when you found her."
And her voice is sharper than she meant it to be.
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At least it sounds like he thinks so now.
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"Finding her was everything to you."
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And then it hadn't been a new experience.
And...
<Things change>
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She can see it now, all the answers lined up in a row. If you weren't with your mother, who did you talk to? What did you do and who did you do it with? Where do you live and who comes to visit you?
She can see so perfectly what he did to himself.
What he did because she wasn't there to stop him.
Her breathing has shortened, sharp soft breaths, glaring at the television without seeing.
Saved the world. Made a difference.
Ruined Tobias' life.
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Which is good.
Because if he knew, he'd yell at her. This wasn't her fault.
It was Jake's.
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She didn't have to say yes.
Rachel presses her lips together.
"She's your mother," comes out quiet. "You spent your whole life wanting to know her."
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But that didn't matter.
And then Rachel had left.
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"You want someone to blame, Tobias, blame the Ellimist for what he did to your parents. And-"
And even he had his reasons.
But telling Tobias that won't help.
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"If it's no one's fault, why are you punishing yourself?"
And your mom, she doesn't add.
"You should be with her. Get to know her. She's your family."
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Really?
He kept her human during that war, made sure she never forgot who she was, what she was doing and why. Being with Tobias, knowing he loved her, kept her from diving head-first off the deep end.
She'd tried to do the same for him. To help him.
In their first months of the war, his panicked voice in her head, admitting that he thought he was losing his humanity. Her firm assurances that no, not so long as she was around...
Oh.
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Oh.
Not that Tobias saw her expression. He couldn't look at her right now.
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It was worth it, though, wasn't it? The mission she was sent on... Tom did betray them, he would have killed them all. This way, they won. Tobias told her, they won, they negotiated with the Andalites and Visser Three/One was put away and everyone's alive... One death for the lives of five others, the freedom of billions.
She mattered. It was worth it.
Wasn't it?
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And no.
But it wasn't just one for billions. It was two.